What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize