you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
