omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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