I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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