when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
