and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
