So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
