when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
