I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
