If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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