Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize