My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize