My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
