I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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