tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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