I can text with my tongue
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize