I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
