don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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