wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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