3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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