just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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