true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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