I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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