dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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