i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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