Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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