Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
