I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
