two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
