There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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