why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
