why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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