Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
