We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
