remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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