I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
