I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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