Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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