come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
