9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
