you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
