my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
