they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
