I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize