the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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