Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
