I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize