I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
