Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
