Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
