remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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