I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
