I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
