I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
