Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
