even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
