forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
