I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
